Job

I applied several jobs recently but i dont give in any hope to get accepted.

Bcs most of the times, when some company invited me for a interview session, i didnt show up.

I need to go somewhere far. So im thinking abt working in Korea. Idk. I applied to work under Mr Irwan but idk if i will be accepted or not.

And abt this man who asked my hand for marriage. I give him a chance so we exchange messages. But, only god know how boring he is. He is not interesting me. Not even make me laugh even once. I am not sure if i will continue wt him or not.

My friends advised me to stop rejecting but what can i do. People never know that i prefer being single over than being mentally tortured by a marriage.

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Mental illness

I joined a random test for depression organized by doctors from UM, and the result is,

Stress level : not severe

Anxiety level : severe

Depression level : worst

I am not understand what the difference between stress and depress. Haha..

But i am optimist sometimes that everything will be okay.

One of their questions is, if i always hear the beat of my heart and if i realized that my heart beating fast even im doing nothing. The answer is always. And i always feel the hardness to breath. My chest feels heavy and full.

Temuduga tauliah

Temuduga Tauliah Mengajar Terengganu.

Panel tanya, “Sebab apa mohon tauliah?” Soalan ni la yang saya duk fikir dari semalam nak jawab apa. Sebab bukan niat asal nak mohon.

Pihak Maidam call saya semalam minta comfirmation kehadiran. Saya terjawab ya, padahal tak tahu lagi nak hadir ke tak sebab malas yang amat.

Jadi pada jam 9.00 pagi saya tiba di pejabat, naik lif sekali dengan panel. Haha. Semua candidate dah hadir, 9 orang semuanya termasuk saya. Saya dapat giliran last sekali.

Kerani minta isi borang dan serah semua dokumen yang dia minta melalui surat. Saya tunggu sejam setengah, 10.30 saya dipanggil masuk. Ada 7 orang kalau tak silap. Sorang check dokumen, dua orang aju soalan dan bakinya pemerhati.

Diminta baca al-Fatihah dan al-Quran yang dia sediakan. Panel cakap buka je tengah-tengah. Saya buka dan baca. Ayat 21 surah al-Furqan, saya terkandas pada perkataan istakbaruu fi. Sebab tanda baca panjang pada perkataan istakbaru padahal bukannya mad jaiz pun. Panel cakap bacalah, bacalah sambil sengeh-sengah. Saya dalam hati, al-Quran ni memang cetak khusus eh utk temuduga? Nak tgk kita punya tajwid. 😂

Aku ber’mmmm’ panjang, dan baca ikut bacaan aku je. Panel pun tanya apa kena dengan Quran tu? Aku tunjuklah sambil tunjuk pandai sikit. Panel pun take note yang ada salah cetakan. Haha.

Then panel tanya, “Nak ajar bidang apa. Awak lepasan Shariah. Fiqh la kan?”

Jawapan aku tak ketahuan, “Mmm, nampak gaya macam tu la Tuan.” (Ade keee 🙄)

Ada 4 slot soalan, kebetulan jari aku duk menggatal dengan kertas soalan sejak mula masuk, panel pun kata, “Haa, bukaklah kertas soalan yang awak pegang tu.”

Kitab jawi Matla’ Badrain. Bahagian fidyah puasa aku kena baca. Tengah baca, panel tanya, “Eh kenapa tak baca matan Arab? Mengelat ni.” Aku macam, what! Aku dah baca, panel yang duk bersembang sampai tak dengar.

Aku pun akur je la, baca balik dari awal kuat-kuat. Tengah syok tunjuk pandai, aku tiba-tiba terkandaslah pada perkataan “كندي”. Ape pulak kendi kendi ni bincang bab puasa? Aduuhhh… Aku diam lama. Aku tak suka main hentam, kalau dah bodoh tu, diam.

Panel pun gelak, “Ha, sangkut kat kendi ke? Hahaha..” Aku join gelak sekali untuk memeriahkan lagi suasana. Panel pun bagi jawapan akhirnya, rupanya “kan dia”.

Aku diminta syarah teks tu. Aku pun semberono pergi terang mende luar teks. Sebab aku malas nak baca balik untuk faham. Tadi fokus pada bacaan jawi sahaja sampai terlepas makna.

Panel cakap, “Baca slow-slow, terang satu-satu.” Aku pun terang la. Panel asyik minta aku ubah ayat klasik kepada moden supaya sesuai untuk orang awam.

“Okay dah.” Dengan muka terkejut aku respon, “Aik, tu je?” Aku pun bangunlah sambil melangkah ke pintu. Tiba-tiba panel tanya, “Ni nak mengajar kawasan mana?” Aku jawablah Kuala Nerus, Setiu.

Tiba-tiba panel yang hujung belah sana pulak tanya, “Nak mengajar area mana.” Aku pun ulanglagi jawapan sama. Panel yang tanya sebelum tu pun cakap, “Dia kabo doh takdi.” Aku dalam hati, “Dia pun ulang soalan sama juga. Dah tiga kali aku jawab mende sama.” Sebab ni soalan yang panel utama aju mula-mula aku masuk bilik.

Begitulah, cara aku bersosial hari ni. Keluar dengan hati gumbira, tanpa bimbang lulus ke tak. Sebab tak kisah pun. Yang aku kisah, kereta kakak aku tu meter air dia paras negatif, aku kene drive 20 minit balik rumah. Aku tak henti membayangkan kereta meletup terbakar sebab overheat. 😕

Hmm

Im stressed out enough right now. Everything seems killing me. I have a work to be done that the due was yesterday, and classes, and my students who come everyday always overstay. Like our class supposed to be only 2 hours, why they let them with me for 3-4 hours. And they asked me for anything, even to cook for them in this holy month.

And my mother being angry, i dont make housechores, i let the baby cried bcs his mother was eating,

Like, these all happen in a same time, and i am waiting for someone who is coming to look over my homestay.

I am serious, thinking of harming a baby is not a joke. Astaghfirullah… i really hold my tears rn.

The baby was crying and i am holding him while doing my translation and i thought of evil doing.

I feel sinned.

I shouldnt. I should stay away from every one

My mister

Finally, finished watching kdrama my mister tonight after following every two episodes per week. Hahaha.. i prefer to watch ongoing drama than completed one. Bcs, i will enjoy every episode. If its already completed, i always skipped and skipped, and most of movies, i felt it was boring sobi stop watching it.

This year, the best drama ever is kdrama my mother, which every single episode made me crying. Haha..

Now i start waiting for wok of love every weeks, bcs i love MR Light. But i bet that, he is not gonna be the hero and he is going to die or some sacrifice at last for the sake of that heroin. Hahahha.. this is typical so im looking forward to this drama to not be cliche. Hahaha

Sabah

Just came back from Sabah after spending a week there at Tawau and Semporna. Learnt a liltle bit abt the varies community and culture. And more abt politic in Sabah.

Haha

Im crying right now. Idk, just literally stressed out due to my condition.

We planned to make a small ceremony at my house tomorrow, so i invited a few people. Then i knew that my mom dont wanna do it, and just take the food to her cabin and give it out to people who helps for the election.

I was looking for a small gathering between families. But i guess, with mysef alone in this house, i dont think i can handle it either.

Then, abt That one man. Idk.. he asked my hand for marriage, but my heart feels it hard. I feel uneasiness inside, like, my heart dont want it.

But i dk if im just wishing for a fantasy life and a perfect man… idk… i should stop dreaming… just accepted any man who comes…

Bored

Living alone in a big house is such a boredom. Mom always going out, father went to his village for a month and half… this is why im thinking either to get married (still boring though but more to safety reason i guess) or to get a student life back (huuh got vertigo while writing this, huh what a life)….

Hmm

What im scared the most abt my vertigo just happened today. Vertigo came while im driving. Just fortunately while im driving slow and on the left lane as im searching for parking… huhu…