Im dying



Today is raining. I went to the train station alone, spent up my one hour there and another half waiting for tram.

My first time using tram, its too old. I went to the station by foot, walked around 45 minutes because i ve no BAM currency. But becausw of want to catch up my friends at Sebilj at 2 pm, so i waited for the tram.

On my way to Bascarcija, two tram policers showed up. He asked for the ticket. He said my ticket is not validated and i must to pay the fine. RM60. I spoke up, i said i bought the ticket from the driver. I put my ticket in the machine but the machine was the problem. There was something written on the other side of ticket so i thought its the validation code.

Its impossible for me to understand the code because its in their language. And my first time though. They took me out from the tram and call the police. Gave me choice to pay the fine or police will come and ask 50€. I talked to the police via phone. They just wanted the money…

I tried to explained several times, they just ignored me. I was mad and upset that made my tears dropping down as the rain does.

I paid the fine ignoring my crying eyes that i couldnt control. Walk through the Miljacka river and sat on bench. Cried a lot.

Felt better bcs there were too much things that i want to cry for. So i let everything go that moment. Not just bcs the fine.

I am stressed out, but i have to lead our way. I have to live up to family and people.

The greatest thing i can do is, faking that i am good. All is fine. Inside me, i really want to crush things, shout out loud, beat unknown, jump into the river or from any high building, cross the road while the light was green for the cars.


Just back from Siwa last night at 1.30 am. Well, the trip went very smooth and they love it. Too much reviews saying that im the best tour guide ever. Hahahhahaha

Well, not anyone can book me as their tour guide. I am selective.

So tonight will leaving to Munich for 2 weeks touring europe and balkan. I hope i can perform my best as their guide.


Just woke up after got a dream. I was badly neglected in that dream. Friends, family…

I dont mind being neglected.

All i wish is not to be hurt. I hate having such a small heart that easily feels the pain.


Loner, sometimes a person that have a lot of friends around but she cut them out and wanna be alone. Prefers to be alone most of the time.

And then complaining her loneliness killing her. Haha

Hmmm, what i afraid of when i get married is when i feel that lonely feeling even having a husband. Then i start to cut him out from my life. Living together but feeling as a stranger. I cant help myself faking myself…

Too selective as i cant do nothing with my attitude. Its rude, i know.. its an illness to me too…


Feeling myself like an unpopular shop. Feel enjoyed when one or two people come in a day and waste my time waiting for uncertain things for the rest of my life.

They comes to me, they can come to me whenever they want to. But i couldnt find them whenever i need.

When i feel like, want to close my shop, i couldnt. I will always think that maybe someone in need is coming.


Woke up and realized semek removed me from group and read her whatsapp story and status,

Idk if i should be cry or happy because idk either she cry or happy with this. Like, its really hard decision to be made. Even it might take away the pain, there is something to worried coming.

I still pray that she can make it to the last. But, she only have, we only have one life to live up… why waste our time to be unhappy .

Buy happiness sometimes with a few bucks of money, but its still can be paid even it cost you hundred of thousands…

next week i will be leave to europe (again 😖) (when its not an excited thing anymore for me so i feel quite argghhh) and idk when she will go back to Malaysia.

I hope we can meet before that but yeahh, bfg is tiring and keep your schedule tightened…

This is all that i can do for her.

(Wanna cry but its okay girll…all is good!)

Greatest showman

Just watched this movie at cinema last night and seems like i wont get moving on so soon…

cant stop looking for a way how to download the soundtracks and watching the youtube abt behind the scene and so on…

Really makes my new year better!


Yeayyyy!!! Just got my new breakup haircut this night. At 11.25pm nana came back home and ask if i still waiting for her bcs she promised me to cut my hair tonight ( since i asked for her help)

So i just excitedly stood up and find a scissor and ‘sikat’ i forgot is it called in english. Too lazy to think or google bcs its already 1.13am.

So she took around an hour finishing my haircut that was her first time doing that.

At first, she mistakenly cut too much. My hair is really short rn.. like, shorter than expected.. hahahha. 

I was excited at the beginning but after she started to overcut it, i felt uneasy and worried… i want to stop right way but i dont want to upset her. So i just keep watching movie in silent.

But still, in the end, she was succesfully make my hair look nicer and suitable with this young lady waiting for her outcoming 25th birthday..