Somehow, i love the feeling that i am no longer clingy to my โ€˜onesideโ€™ bff. She is ignoring me has become โ€˜okayโ€™ and doesnt hurt much like it did before.

Still remembering her everyday and wish for her good day, good health and good mood. 

Its really calming and such a preparation for us to be apart one day. She might going back to Malaysia for good at anytime, the time that i dont know.

Being an antisosial and live in a very very small circle of friend is like this, once you meet a person that have a good chemistry wt you, you will hardly pass a day without them.

But in the end, you would still be a great loner!



I really craving for sushi. Fatin already have plan to go out wt her brother. So i asked aisyah.

After a few hours, day became night, i get some rice and egg from kitchen and ittadakimatsu ๐Ÿ˜Š

Then aisyah called me said that she can give a company, and i, i said to her that i was eating. 

My heart beats hard. I dont want to reject or something like this. Like, i love to spend time wt her a lot. But, my skin is cracking and my lip and some part keep giving me such a pain. 

When i feel like want to tell her, something, my inside keeps telling me, โ€œjust dont..โ€ my inside telling me to not try to win her attention anymore… stop giving her more than i should,, the more you give, the more you hope, althought you know from the beginning, she is not considering you as a friend… i am frauding myself , thinking that she think me as her good friend. She just being kind. No more than that.

Same goes to izzat. He just being kind and polite. Do not think that he have some feeling toward me or giving us a chance.

Loneliness is killing me but frauding myself is killing me in a worse way.


And after siwa, i will lead a backpacking group to east europe and balkan for 16 days..

God, what scared me is my vertigo…

Okay dont forgot my pills ๐Ÿ™ƒ


Its getting worse day by day. My eczema is having a winter party all over my skin and the latest is on my lip. I got blister here and its not one or two or three.

I dont want to meet people.

I wanna cry under my blanket until i feel like urgently have to eat.. 

its hurt.. itchy..


Woke up after having a dream. I went to a roadtrip with Tojakโ€™s family and had a conversation with her mom. Guess, we disagreed one another and really made my mood swing today….

I hate baddream. Baddream is such a bad girlfriend, worst than any kind of friend in the earth..


Recently i asked him for break up. But we ended up continue in contact and even got better relationship.. haha

He was the one that staring at me like i am his right person for the first time in my life.

Never meet a guy like him. (Not really have many male friends though)

I wonder where our paths will find it ending.


Do care but i cant do anything, no more.. the more i try to help her, the more mistakes i make..

Gave enough problems to her so i need to stop talking and stop trying to be a helper. Doing and say nothing is the best help that i can offer..

I feel very guilty and no confident left…


I think there is something wrong with my head. Just finish cooking and couldnt handle myself , the vision is okay but there is strange vibe over my head that i cannot control movement.

And ofcourse, feeling nausea.